Ethically Unethical
by BabyBadger
Summary: Ridiculously Old Fraud, we hardly knew ya. How far will House go to avoid killing Henry’s dream of becoming a doctor? Better yet, how can House convince Wilson and Chase to help with his sneaky plans?


NOTE: Spoilers for the first eight episodes of Season 4

SUMMARY: How far will House go to avoid killing Henry's dream?

DISCLAIMER: If I owned the characters, Ridiculously Old Fraud would be a Fellow and Ridiculously Overdone False Eyelashes would be gone. What is _wrong_ with the makeup and hair people this season? Poor Olivia Wilde is stuck with whiskbrooms on her upper eyelids, and even though Jennifer Morrison looks gorgeous as a blonde in RL, these guys make her look washed out and tired. And Jesse Spencer, in his miniscule amount of screen time, usually looks like he cut his own hair with hedge clippers in the dark. What have they done to my pretty people? Phooey!

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"Are you saying he's not a real doctor?" Wilson said with disbelief. "How the hell did he get past the screening process? I thought Cuddy only sent you the suitable candidates."

House shrugged. "That's what I thought, so I took 'em all on. Apparently our Henry is a very convincing resume-padder. I should actually look at his file sometime. He _was_ at Columbia for thirty years, though."

"Doing what?"

"Admissions office. He's not only _not_ a doctor, but he's a real, honest-to-God paper-pushing bureaucrat. At some point he decided that the other side of the examining table was greener. Audited the courses, learned the medicine, figured out how to talk the talk well enough to end up here."

"Impressive. And you say he really knows his stuff?"

"Had me fooled for a little while, until he took a pass on doing a procedure. At that point I knew he either had a physical impairment or something even more interesting was going on. There's nothing wrong with his hand-eye coordination that I can see, so my amazing powers of deduction came up with the correct explanation."

"Well, that's one for the books. Can you imagine the lawsuits?"

"Nah. He's too ethical to actually _perform_ the medicine on patients. He's a diagnostician, like moi."

"Well, you're at least a card-carrying doctor." Wilson paused. "You _are_, aren't you?"

"Yes, I'm disappointingly conventional in that sense. Bet I could pull off the masquerade, though."

"Well, I'm glad you haven't. You're unethical enough to perform brain surgery without any practice."

"And do it very well, no doubt. Only people with defective brains need brain surgery anyway, so where's the harm."

"I'm not touching that remark, House. So, you didn't hire him, obviously." Wilson put just a little question into that last statement.

"Sadly, no. I really do need the hands. I have no intention of doing my own procedures when I have a team. But now," House assumed a thoughtful look, "we need to figure out how we can find the ridiculously old fraud a doctor-job. You'll like this guy."

"Uh, House, doctor-jobs generally require doctor-people, which 'this guy' is not." Wilson stopped and observed House with growing fear. "What are you thinking of doing, House? Is it something that going to get us both fired?"

"Only if we're stupid enough to get caught. This guy is great in a whiteboard session, ya know. You should see him abuse the other Fellows. He and Taub are totally going to end up in bed together."

"Well, that in itself is reason enough to hire him. Then the two of you can tag-team each of the new hires until they all go away like your previous Fellows. Excellent strategy for running a department."

"Jimmy, Jimmy…sarcasm does not become you. Brings out a person's devilish charm, which is not your strong suit. Now me, on the other hand…"

"Yes, House, your devilish charms have delighted a generation of thrill-seekers. And you're avoiding my question."

"Friend Henry dreams of being a doctor. He's not decrepit enough yet to qualify for the Make-a-Wish foundation, so it's up to us to make his dreeeeeeams come truuuuuue," House drawled. "Cameron would be so proud, except she'll never find out."

"Dear God. This is one of those things where the less I know, the better, isn't it," Wilson moaned.

"Yep. All you need to do is follow my lead and look sincere. Maybe lie a little. You can do it in your sleep."

"Would that explanation stand up in court?" Wilson called after House. "Should I be talking to my lawyer?"

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TBC

Talk to me, people!


End file.
